You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
