can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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