I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
