I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
