I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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