I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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