If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize