I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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