My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize