the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize