so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
