My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
