I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
