Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
