I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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