remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
