My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
