aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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