opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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