drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
