You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
