I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
