Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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