I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
