I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
