Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
