so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
