I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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