if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
