He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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