oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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