Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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