Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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