I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
