So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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