I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
