Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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