I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize