If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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