Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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