all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
