i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
His nipple licking is glorious
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