I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
