Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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