It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize