if i can run in heels then i can drive
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
