thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
