i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish my penis had a tongue
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
