Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize