I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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