Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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