Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
