I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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