We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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