There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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