Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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