He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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