Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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