you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
