she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
