Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
