there's paper in my vomit.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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