Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
