Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
