the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
