My room smells like vodka and shame
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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