i think i have two assholes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize